In 2014 I was privileged to contribute to the launch of Clickhole, a Web culture parody site from the Onion. My tenure there lasted about a year and wasn’t terribly satisfying – I could never get used to the somewhat opaque working process – but it was still nice to be included. The following is my response to four prompts given to me as an evaluation before I was brought onboard. If you enjoy it, you can tip me here.

10 list headlines (w/ directional notes, if necessary)

LIST: 9 TV Pets And How They Died (played totally straight, one short sentence on the animal (eg “Played Benji in TV, movies”) followed by three, four sentences on the agonizing experience of losing a pet)
LIST: 14 Things That Only You Will Understand (this one starts with the smell of your father’s aftershave and has the corpse of a child or multiple children in it)
LIST: The Strangest Sexual Practices From Around Your Family
LIST: 10 Child Stars Who Grew Up So You Could Feel Smug About Them
LIST: 10 Shocking Celebrity Facts That We’ll Have To Fire An Intern For Fucking Up
LIST: An Episode Of Saved By The Bell As Explained By GIFs Of Riots In Crimea
LIST: 17 Cute But Extremely Racist Animals
LIST: 10 Disney Princesses Reimagined As Other Disney Princesses
LIST: 22 LOL Tweets From Bored Drone Operators In Between Kills
LIST: 9 Hottest Drawings Of Women From Airline Safety Pamphlets

10 quiz headlines (w/ directional notes, if necessary)

QUIZ: How Many Vague Questions Will You Answer To See A Picture And Some Text Copied From Wikipedia?
QUIZ: Which Soft Drink Brand Should Advertise On This Website?
QUIZ: How Easy Is It To Get You To Take An Online Quiz?
QUIZ: Which Emotion Could You Survive Without?
QUIZ: If You Died Today, Who Would Be The First Person To Masturbate To Your Memory?
QUIZ: How Disappointed Is Your Mother In You Right Now?
QUIZ: Which Agonized Howl From A Charnel Pit Are You?
QUIZ: How Many Spiders Will You Eat In Your Life?
QUIZ: What Famous Book Did You Not Finish?
QUIZ: What Person Who Won’t Shut The Fuck Up About “Game Of Thrones” Are You?

5 feature jokes for Tips For Disciplining Your Children

– Teach your kids the value of “paying it forward” by giving them free rein to discipline children younger and weaker than themselves.
– To ensure your children don’t associate you with negative emotions, create a comedic alter ego that you use when you dole out punishments. Change your clothes, talk in a funny voice, let your creativity go wild!
– Give them a negative Yelp review. These can be very damaging for any small business or person trying to make it in post-recession America.
– Pay a voice actor from their favorite cartoon to record a message in character telling your child that they’re going to “kick the shit out of them.”
– Just don’t even bother. By the time they’re adults, scavenging a ravaged landscape for 9 volt batteries to put under their tongues for the barest hint of pleasure, who’s going to even care that they told a lie on the playground?

5 feature jokes for Tips For Getting Over A Breakup

– Fill spare time with a hobby. Some popular choices include sleeping, vomiting and listless, dry-palmed masturbation.
– Get a time machine and replace your younger self in the past, making different choices to prolong the relationship. Repeat until your advanced age disgusts her.
– When you find yourself thinking about your ex, give yourself a quick twist of the nipple to distract yourself. Harder. No, harder than that. I want you to crank down on that thing. Really just go at it. Clockwise or counterclockwise is fine. Don’t get too precious about the details.
– Don’t stalk your ex on social media, impersonate your ex on social media. Make it so her friends can’t tell the difference, then reveal the truth to them when they’re all locked in a haunted mansion with you.
– Make sure to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. Walk into a public restroom, look at your haggard, sleepless face in the mirror and laugh. Just laugh. Laugh until tears run down your face and the noise you make isn’t even recognizable as human anymore. Congratulations, you’re over a breakup.