December

1999

Bad Things I Did Yesterday

I really only did one bad thing yesterday, surprisingly. It was my best friend Tomas’s birthday so I ran crosstown to this bakery to get cupcakes for the office to celebrate. That’s part of my job, I’m an “office manager” which basically translates to “slave.” But that’s okay. Anyways, I’m on my way back with a big bag full of delicious cupcakes when I see that traffic on the sidewalk in front of me has come to a near halt. I finally make my way up to where the obstruction is and find that it’s a fat midwestern tourist woman with a video camera filming some building or something. Some of the sidewalks here in New York are pretty narrow, and this woman was so fat that she was blocking off nearly the entire thing, requiring other pedestrians to inch by her one by one. So as I inched in front of her massive girth, I leaned up and spit a wad of saliva right into the lens of her camcorder. She reared back and I took off running, gently cradling the bag of cupcakes under my arm, laughing like a fucking maniac the whole way. Note to anybody who ever wants to be a tourist in New York while I live here: provoke me, and you will get spit on. Actually, that’s kind of a good thing I did.