June

2001

25: Dragon Worrier

Typos are embarrassing, but in this case it’s extra-bad, as this poor kid who just wanted to be a brave knight of the round table or something instead found himself on the bad end of Amber’s insatiable curiosity. No sex, no curse words, no religious bashing – this may be the cleanest Amber log ever, and also one of the funniest. MORE »

 
June

2001

24: Travis The Fag

Teenage homosexuality is a difficult time, and I understand how difficult it is for a young man to accept his identity, but Travis here really blew my mind. Of course, Amber had never talked to him before, but he didn’t seem to know that so he and Amber had a very charged discussion about sexual politics. I made sure to be very nice to him and compliment him as much as possible while continuing to cast aspersions on his sex drive. MORE »

 
February

2001

21: Sperm In Your Computer

This may be Amber’s finest hour. One day, she got a message from a man asking her to check out his Yahoo! photo album. Of course, I did, and to my surprise it was filled with hundreds of pictures of a Black man with an enormous dong intently displaying his penis in a number of very strange locations with captions like “LOOKING AT WOMEN IN THE PARKING GARAGE.” And then he started a conversation and, well, I may have caused permanent hardware damage. MORE »

 
August

2000

14: Gary Coleman Chicken Nugget

Gary Coleman used to write an advice column for UGO, my former employer. I met him at the office Christmas party and he tried to hit on my date. All this and more was running through my mind as Amber taught the American language of love to this very horny young Algerian. God, I hope he used his new vocabulary with other girls. MORE »

 
February

2000

5: Nico The Super Hero

This is the prank that led me to realize that this Amber concept might have legs. This French fancy lad fell head over heels in love with Amber. Unfortunately, due to my incompetence, I deleted our first conversation, in which he repeatedly asked Amber to show him her ass and claimed to be a superhero. He also sent her two astonishing pictures; the second one is actually him. Feel free to look at them: one, two. These chats happened over the course of a week, early in Amber’s life – I hadn’t learned how to condense an entire relationship into one conversation yet. Presented are exceprts from some of the week’s logs, followed by the fifth day’s final log, in which I make Amber’s true hatred for the French known – in their native tongue, courtesy Babelfish. MORE »

 
February

2000

2: Hindu Tidbits

I was always very amazed at how many of Amber’s potential suitors came from out of the country; so many Pakistanis and Hindus and Greeks and other assorted foreigners, all of whom were ripe picking for comedy due to their amusing attempts at English and their tenuous grasp on Western mating rituals. Sarma was one of Amber’s first Indian suitors, he told her that he made her picture the background wallpaper on his computer and she repaid that gesture with mockery, derision and multiple offers to cut off her leg and mail it to India. What follows are some excerpts from their conversation, which stretched over several days as I was still getting the hang of Amber. MORE »

 
February

2000

1: Only Poetry Stops Rape

This was the first Amber log released to the public, and though it’s in a very larval state, there’s bits of the formula showing through. The victim this time had been boringly chatting with Amber for about twenty minutes and I had to think of some kind of excuse to get rid of him. Needless to say, I came up with a pretty damned good one. This log also introduces Amber’s father – it’s established early on that she lives with him, that he’s insane and he’s some sort of war veteran – usually Korea. We join this chat in progress, right before the excuse is given. Things progress from there. MORE »