January

2014

About Amber

From 2000 to 2006, on and off, I posed as a 14 year old girl named Amber on Yahoo Messenger to have bizarre, disturbing chats with older men and women who wanted to cyber with an underage girl. I would then edit the chatlogs for length and coherency and post them on my website. Trigger warning: many of these chatlogs are incredibly disgusting and touch on subjects like racism and sexual abuse for comedy. In hindsight, I’m embarrassed by using that as material, but pretending I didn’t wouldn’t help. After I moved past that, some of these are pretty hilarious still, over a decade later.

 
September

2006

45: Dadimal

Dimly-remembered prime-time action television of the early 1980s provides yet another venue for Amber’s father to fill her little life with terror. MORE »

 
September

2006

44: Man-Furniture

Amber returns from some time off to chat up this well-meaning African man who agrees to furnish a hotel room with his own body before he turns the topic to female circumcision. MORE »

 
September

2006

43: Relative Elasticity

Another trip to the doctor, another sad diagnosis for poor Amber, as her body’s essential connective tissues seem to be growing together and encasing her in a cocoon of horror. MORE »

 
September

2006

42: Frankenboyfriend

This young gentleman from Guam regaled Amber with the language of romance across several conversations, but sadly her father’s madcap science has already supplied her with a man to love. A man made of dead things. MORE »

 
August

2006

41: Hippie Island

Amber’s new life on a floating artist’s commune off the shores of San Diego isn’t as idyllic as it sounds. The “Flaming Blue Translucent Eyeball Artist’s Commune” was a real place in Seattle. MORE »

 
August

2006

40: Recurrent Short Term Full Aphasic Memory Disorder

An older lesbian woman’s attempt to lure Amber into a steamy pit of sapphic sin is stymied by a 3×5 note card and a message from the brain doctor. MORE »

 
August

2006

39: Rap Against Terror

This one unfortunately never had enough time to really pick up steam, but this fellow’s overwhelming hatred of both hip-hop and the Taliban made for some amusing exchanges nonetheless. MORE »

 
July

2006

38: To Spite Her Face

Another Dad-centric log, this time dealing with an inury he brought back from Korea that hasn’t done him much good. One of my favorite endings ever, too. MORE »

 
July

2006

37: Art Opening

Amber’s father reveals a softer side, a side that appreciates the more sophisticated things in life. Please don’t infer any repressed hatred towards the world of fine arts from this chatlog – I try to not repress that hatred at all. MORE »