February

2000

5: Nico The Super Hero

This is the prank that led me to realize that this Amber concept might have legs. This French fancy lad fell head over heels in love with Amber. Unfortunately, due to my incompetence, I deleted our first conversation, in which he repeatedly asked Amber to show him her ass and claimed to be a superhero. He also sent her two astonishing pictures; the second one is actually him. Feel free to look at them: one, two. These chats happened over the course of a week, early in Amber’s life – I hadn’t learned how to condense an entire relationship into one conversation yet. Presented are exceprts from some of the week’s logs, followed by the fifth day’s final log, in which I make Amber’s true hatred for the French known – in their native tongue, courtesy Babelfish.

Day Two
Sunday, after the first chat.
nico_le_super_hero: I come back!!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Horray! How was your meal?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Was it super?
nico_le_super_hero: Wich meal?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I thought you had to go have super supper?
nico_le_super_hero: What is a “supper”?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It is the meal you eat in the evening
nico_le_super_hero: Wait please!
nico_le_super_hero: Ok i find the word Meal on dictionnary!..
nico_le_super_hero: The meal was good!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Fantastic!
nico_le_super_hero: I ate chiken,banane,and cheese!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That sounds delightful!
nico_le_super_hero: Do you love?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Love what?
nico_le_super_hero: excuse!
nico_le_super_hero: Do you love me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t know!
nico_le_super_hero: good reponse!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are cute and smart and have super powers
nico_le_super_hero: In fact i don’t have really super powers!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Really? You lied to me?
nico_le_super_hero: Yes a little!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That was mean
nico_le_super_hero: WHat?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It was mean of you to lie to me
nico_le_super_hero: so you didn’t know me yesterday?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What do u mean? I met you yesterday
nico_le_super_hero: Excuse..
nico_le_super_hero: you didn’t believe in my super power yesterday?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I believed you!

Third Email: “Cocou! It is me your super hero!”

Hello my dear Amber!

I hope you feel good!I think that i can say you that i am very happy to have an American (girl) friend!You must know you are the only girl with who i speak in English!I wish that you understand me when i writt.Currently you must probably be at school and i think that you blame it for being boring and for being a waste of time,and i understand you because i hate school too,but like you i must study!
I hope that you are serious when you writt me and that you don’t play with me!I believe that we can really become friend and i hope you want it as me! I must say you that i’ll probably come in California in July and if i will not come in July i think that i’ll come before the year 2001!
I must go to do my homework!I know:i am 21 and i have still homework!but i reassure you:it is the last year that i go to school.I will enter in an Ingeneer school in September and then find a job!
I must let you but i will send you others messages! Before that,i send you many and many kiss!

Nico
(your superhero!)

PS:Please,if i do grammar or vocabular faults,say me it!And please correct me!

nico_le_super_hero: Do you come in France in the futur?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How?
nico_le_super_hero: By plane!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It costs money which I do not have
nico_le_super_hero: You never go with your parents in a foreign country?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: If I came with my parents, I couldn’t meet you, super hero
nico_le_super_hero: So i think that i will not see you a day!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Sorry!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Maybe when I get older, if we are still friends
nico_le_super_hero: i hope it!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Aww! You are super sweet! Maybe I will have made love by then and we can talk about it
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will know what we are talking about
nico_le_super_hero: What?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yesterday you said all these things that I didn’t understand
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Like secret garden and take a picture of my ass
nico_le_super_hero: because it is french expression!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Take a picture of my ass is a french expression?
nico_le_super_hero: No the garden!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh! Sorry!
nico_le_super_hero: But i hate the word “ass”!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, me too
nico_le_super_hero: What is the good name for “ass”?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Derriere?
nico_le_super_hero: No in english please!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No good words in English for ass, I guess
nico_le_super_hero: “ass” is a bad words!But what is his real name?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Rump? Posterior?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are there other words?
nico_le_super_hero: So if i say you “You have a beautiful rump” you are happy?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You make me happy!
nico_le_super_hero: And if i say you “move your ass” you are unhappy,aren’t you?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes! That is rude
nico_le_super_hero: Ok it is the same in France!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good!
nico_le_super_hero: “ass”=”Cul” and “rump”=”derrier”!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So cul is rude?
nico_le_super_hero: Yes !
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I understand! Is secret garden polite, but what is rude?
nico_le_super_hero: If i say you “je veux t’enCUler”=”i want to fuck you”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That is rude?
nico_le_super_hero: Yes of course!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: i understand! thank u so much!
nico_le_super_hero: do you want know the true?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: of course!
nico_le_super_hero: In fact..
nico_le_super_hero: ..currently i think that i want to kiss you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, le super hero?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How can you kiss me from france?
nico_le_super_hero: i know it is difficult!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you have long lips?
nico_le_super_hero: But i can dream!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Or is this another super power?
nico_le_super_hero: What means “lips”?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Mouth part that you kiss with!
nico_le_super_hero: And please stop with my super powers!i don’t have it!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Really? I thought your super power was your sex part?
nico_le_super_hero: I am very serious i want to give you a french kiss!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have only had american kisses – how is it different?
nico_le_super_hero: I don’t know!
nico_le_super_hero: but i want to kiss you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? How how how?
nico_le_super_hero: And to kiss you you must want it too!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay, I guess.
nico_le_super_hero: Do you wan tto kiss me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
nico_le_super_hero: Really!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t lie like you do!
nico_le_super_hero: Oh stop with that i don’t lie,i am very serious!!!!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You lied about your super powers!
nico_le_super_hero: But how could you believe that i have super powers;because nobody have it!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t know anybody from france!
nico_le_super_hero: In fact my ” super power is “:”i love make love!”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How do you fight crime with that?

Day Three
Monday. He starts to get serious and creepy.

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: America is the greatest country, super hero!
nico_le_super_hero: After France of course!!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I disagree, even though you are very sweet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you still want me to take a picture of my ass for you?
nico_le_super_hero: no!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You dont want that anymore?
nico_le_super_hero: if you agree that i see your rump you can send me a pict of it but it is not an obligation!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay maybe I will and maybe I won’t!
nico_le_super_hero: ok!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What should we talk about, super hero?
nico_le_super_hero: so there a lot of beautiful girl in USA?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t look at girls, I like boys!
nico_le_super_hero: So you don’t think about me!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! I do think about you!
nico_le_super_hero: you look other boy=>i am desapointed and that prouves you don’t l__e me!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What? I have only known you for 5 days!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you want me to go blind? Not look at anybody?
nico_le_super_hero: Iwant to kiss u but if you are looking to others boys ican’t!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am not looking like that! If a boy is cute that doesnt mean that I love him!
nico_le_super_hero: U do what you want!
nico_le_super_hero: but please never forget me!

Sixth Email: “A message for my dear Amber”

Hello my dear Amber!

I am very happy because you have written me!But i am desapointed because i realise that you live far of me!You must know that i want really meet you a day.In fact i hope that i will spend time with you and see you. and i can writt you and send letters at your friend but before you must give me her adress!
Last day you writt me “a bient™t”,u must know that you made me happy! and i want excuse me,because the fist time that we have spoken i used bad words and i was rude!So please excuse me!
Then i must leave because it is 18:05 and i must go to practice savate!
I kiss you!

Nico
(your super hero)

PS:Please i konw that i do a lot of grammar and vocabular fault,so,please can you correct me?

a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would u take pictures of my ass?
nico_le_super_hero: Why?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You said you wanted pictures of my ass!
nico_le_super_hero: I don’t want your ass i want you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My ass is a part of me!
nico_le_super_hero: but i said that because i didn’t know u!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But now you know me you don’t like my ass?
nico_le_super_hero: and can use the word rump!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You want to take pictures of my rump?
nico_le_super_hero: i u want!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How many pictures? Like a whole roll?
nico_le_super_hero: if you want!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are so wacky!
nico_le_super_hero: but you are not obliged
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Will you take pictures of your ass?
nico_le_super_hero: no!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why?
nico_le_super_hero: because you say ass and not rump!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Will you take pictures of your rump?
nico_le_super_hero: OH!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Will you take pictures of your derriere?
nico_le_super_hero: You say that i am wacky!I understand!
nico_le_super_hero: and i am no wacky!
nico_le_super_hero: i am simple normal!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What? You are kind of silly superhero!
nico_le_super_hero: i look silly!
nico_le_super_hero: silly=stupid!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! You misunderstand me!
nico_le_super_hero: so want do you say that?
nico_le_super_hero: what
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Silly does not mean stupid!
nico_le_super_hero: euh why do u say that?
nico_le_super_hero: ok!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Ok?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I would never insult my super hero!
nico_le_super_hero: but u want really send a pict of your rump?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes for you of course!
nico_le_super_hero: i will receive it with pleasure!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Great!
nico_le_super_hero: when do u send me it?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have to take the pic first! When will you send me yours?

Day Five
Here’s where it all falls apart. He begs for me to send him an email message so I send him a very insulting one, reproduced below. All of my French insults are translated for you.

nico_le_super_hero: wait i recieve a message!
nico_le_super_hero: oh! u want me to die!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I do not!
nico_le_super_hero: so why have u written that?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I did not write that I wanted you to die! You must have read it wrong!
nico_le_super_hero: don’t lie to me!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I would never lie to you my super hero!
nico_le_super_hero: you writ:”i hope u die!”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I did not!
nico_le_super_hero: i send you your message..
nico_le_super_hero: here i am! writing u a letter! u are the superest of all super french heros! do u have bad breath and wear stripey sweaters and smoke stinky cigarettes and love jerry lewis and disrespect women? do u have a funny moustache and wear a beret and say “ooh la la!” and carry around a big baguette? i am a califronia girl who has sex with 1000 men a night. i love belgium but france is the worst country on earth. you make me physically ill. i hope u die. i love u! kidding! amber
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is that?
nico_le_super_hero: your message!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It is not!
nico_le_super_hero: don’t play with me please because i will never speak with you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, so what you big gay whiner.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I really hate you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are rude and perverted
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You made me do sick things
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And then pretended to be nice
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I do hope you die.
nico_le_super_hero: bye!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: BYE! I LOVE YOU!
nico_le_super_hero: i don’t understand you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: LOVE
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: YOU!
nico_le_super_hero: lie!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I love your SUPER PENIS!
nico_le_super_hero: FUCK OFF!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you crying?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am only 14!
nico_le_super_hero: yes!Happy?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I am not happy!
nico_le_super_hero: now i hate american i will speak with another country!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Try Belgium.
nico_le_super_hero: why?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Belgians are nice.
nico_le_super_hero: bye!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My boyfriend is Belgian.
nico_le_super_hero: i understand now why he broke up!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! We made up last night!
nico_le_super_hero: What?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He is my boyfriend again!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That is why I dont need you anymore.
nico_le_super_hero: fuck off!thank you very much!i regret just one thing:to have spoken with you !
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I regret that you didn’t fly to california to visit me!
nico_le_super_hero: please i will never speak with you ! And now let me crying!
nico_le_super_hero: i hate u!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, don’t cry!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am sure french girls like u!
nico_le_super_hero: yes and i haven’t seen a too bad girl as you !
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why did you like me in the first place?
nico_le_super_hero: u will never know that!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Was it because of my picture?
nico_le_super_hero: it is my secret!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Was it becuase of my personality?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: je veux t’en culer! (I want to have sex)
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You taught me that!
nico_le_super_hero: u are nice but too bad! So now please let me alone!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am not bad! JE VEUX T’EN CULER! (I want to have sex)
nico_le_super_hero: you can’t!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why not? You are so cute!
nico_le_super_hero: car t’as de bite grosse conne!
nico_le_super_hero: tu m’emmerde t’es qu’une grosse pute!Donc va te faire foutre!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Does that mean we are going to have sex?
nico_le_super_hero: No!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You promise?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Vous tes un homosexuel avec un une en graisse qui est laid et stupide et devrait sauter hors fonction d’une passerelle. (You are an ugly stupid homosexual with a greasy ass and you should jump off of a bridge)
nico_le_super_hero: That mean that you are a big mother fucker! ANd i will find you a day in california! And i will fight u!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Vous sentez comme mille porcs morts. Vous tes une grande fille. (You smell like a thousand dead pigs. You are a big girl.)
nico_le_super_hero: OK!I will send u a virus! Sorry but you los at this game!
nico_le_super_hero: And so i hope that your parents kill you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Vous tes un moron incompetent qui a le sexe avec des chiens et des rats. (You are an incompetent moron who has sex with dogs and rats)
nico_le_super_hero: But your sentence have no sense!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: L’armee francaise est homosexuelle. (The French Army is gay.)
nico_le_super_hero: why have you a so bad reaction with me !
nico_le_super_hero: I was always nice with you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: La France est un pays compltement des hommes avec de petits penis. (France is a country full of men with small penises.)
nico_le_super_hero: but you speak french or not?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Vous tes gros et stupide. (You are fat and stupid.)
nico_le_super_hero: And?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Je n’aurais jamais le sexe avec vous. (I would never have sex with you.)
nico_le_super_hero: Is it really you on the picture?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Vous tes sodomises par les autres hommes dans l’armee franaise. (You are sodomized by the men in the French army.)
nico_le_super_hero: But i don’t underdand when you speak in french ! so please say me it in english!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are sodomized by the men in the French army.
nico_le_super_hero: are jealouse of others men?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of the men who sodomize you? No.
nico_le_super_hero: are you alone currently?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Nico est un heros superbe homosexuel. (Nico is a super homosexual hero.)
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes I am alone.
nico_le_super_hero: why do you say me that?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Puisque c’est vrai. (Because it’s true.)
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Where’s that virus you were sending me?

Epilogue
I got this message from him when I was offline. Will the French ever learn?

nico_le_super_hero: I have found a new american friend! she is 18 and i think she is more clever than you! But in fact that can’t be difficult to be more clever than a stupi young girl who is only 14! So GOOD BYE!