45: Dadimal

Dimly-remembered prime-time action television of the early 1980s provides yet another venue for Amber’s father to fill her little life with terror.

the_little_elf_eater: i have a friend in san diego
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have a friend in Jesus!
the_little_elf_eater: heh
the_little_elf_eater: aww youre cute
the_little_elf_eater: so whats it like out in CA
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Getting chilly!
the_little_elf_eater: well like whats there to do? theres nothing around here to do
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I kind of can’t do a lot these days.
the_little_elf_eater: oh why not?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Things around the house are a little crazy.
the_little_elf_eater: oh thats too bad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It really is.
the_little_elf_eater: family problems?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Kind of.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you remember the tv show Manimal?
the_little_elf_eater: no..
the_little_elf_eater: should i?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is very obsessed with it.
the_little_elf_eater: lol well thats not so bad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Well it sort of is.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Manimal was a private detective who could change into any animal.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad has the idea that it was a reality show like 60 minutes.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And that he can get the same powers by eating one of every type of animal.
the_little_elf_eater: thats kind of wierd…
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I know!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So we are going through the animals alphabetically.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But he is having sort of a problem.
the_little_elf_eater: whats the problem?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Well, we just ate the gazelle, the gibbon and the gorilla he ordered from a black market zoo in Africa.
the_little_elf_eater: and he ate it?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And soon we will start in on the hamster, and the house centipede and the hippopotamus.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But after that it will be time to eat a human.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hammerhead shark, too.
the_little_elf_eater: oh
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And I am a little worried.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I mean it will be worth it, right? To have animal powers?
the_little_elf_eater: i dont think that will happen
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Have you tried it?
the_little_elf_eater: no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Then how do you know?
the_little_elf_eater: just a thought
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you a scientist? Or a private detective?
the_little_elf_eater: no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: See my dad is both.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Kind of.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I mean he took a night school class.
the_little_elf_eater: oh.. and he studies animals?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: If by studies you mean eats then yes.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And every night after dinner he concentrates really hard and tries to change into the animal he just ate.
the_little_elf_eater: lol, any success?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Not yet.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So I am worried about this human thing,
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because human comes after hippopotamus and hornbill and hooknosed dolphin but before humpbacked whale
the_little_elf_eater: he makes you eat them too?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: but I am worried,
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I found his notebook,
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And he maybe is going to eat me when it comes time to eat a human because I think scientifically that would let him turn into two animals at the same time
the_little_elf_eater: but it doesnt have to be you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He says he’s going to get a homeless guy but i don’t believe him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: See I think the way it works scientifically is I eat the animals and he eats the animals and the he eats me (who ate the animals) and it’s increased by a power of 2
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But I haven’t learned algebra yet
the_little_elf_eater: oh
the_little_elf_eater: well that makes sense
the_little_elf_eater: but maybe you should go stay with someone else?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t have any other family
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And if he can turn into any animal I don’t think he’d have a hard time getting me back!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I mean how would you say no to an octopus (who was my dad)?
the_little_elf_eater: i dont think he changes into animals
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Well, not yet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But we are barely a third of the way through the available world of edible animals
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Can you imagine my father bedecked in the chiton of a horseshoe crab?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He is going to eat a horseshoe crab before he eats me.
the_little_elf_eater: umm.. no, why dont you stop eating the animals
the_little_elf_eater: and just let him eat them
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He forces me at knifepoint.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Some animals taste really gross.
the_little_elf_eater: i’ll bet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Like the bactrian camel!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But my only hope is to figure out how to change into animals before he does
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And then we will be equally matched
the_little_elf_eater: hey ive got to go