May

2006

35: The Legend Of Cooter Joe

This young man was very brave, willing to go toe-to-toe with the legendary brother of Paul Bunyan just to get Amber to go out with him. Unfortunately, Cooter Joe has the law on his side.

jcatfan: hey is everytrhing ok??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My last boyfriend broke up with me yesterday.
jcatfan: why
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because of the legend of Cooter Joe.
jcatfan: im sorry
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Three boyfriends have broken up with me for the same reason.
jcatfan: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Have you ever heard the legend of Cooter Joe?
jcatfan: no
jcatfan: so anyways
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He is Paul Bunyan’s little brother.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And he lives in this part of the country.
jcatfan: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And as big as Paul Bunyan is, that’s how small Cooter Joe is
jcatfan: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So he is very small, as Paul Bunyan was very big.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I can’t believe my boyfriend broke up with me over this!
jcatfan: i wish i was there right now
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I wish you were too, I just need somebody to hold me.
jcatfan: thats why i wish i was there i would hold u all night and give u both shoulders to cry on
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Thank you, but Cooter Joe’s mischief might make that difficult.
jcatfan: u know what i mean
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, you sound so nice.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So strong and masculine.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But Cooter Joe will not let me be happy.
jcatfan: i promise u one thing if u was around me u would always be hapopy no matter what
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t see how you can make that promise.
jcatfan: i don’t never say promises unless i mean them
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But you don’t know the whole situation.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter Joe and Paul Bunyan were twin brothers.
jcatfan: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But when they were born because Paul was so big and Cooter Joe was so small he got lost in the dirt and was raised by a family of rats.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: This is a story that most people think is a legend, but it’s really true and I hate him so much!
jcatfan: k but the thing is if u really wanted to be with somebody why can’t u be with him?? because of that legend or what?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, it is not just a legend, Cooter Joe is real.
jcatfan: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: While Paul Bunyan was shaping America, Cooter Joe never grew to be over seven inches tall. And as good as Paul Bunyan was, Cooter Joe was just as bad.
jcatfan: k
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I hate this so much.
jcatfan: do u hate me??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! You have been so nice to me today!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But my life is so hard.
jcatfan: i am always nice
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: awwww
jcatfan: i don’t have a mean bone in my body
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter Joe is all mean bones and rough skin.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Even though he is only seven inches tall.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I wish my dad would make him go away
jcatfan: if i was there i would make him go away then u would be happy forever
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How could you?
jcatfan: i will figure out away to make him go away
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So the reason they call him Cooter Joe is when he’s looking for a warm place to sleep at night he will sneak into young girl’s rooms and burrow into their cooters.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It is so gross, or so the legend goes.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you hate me now?
jcatfan: hell no i don’t hate u
jcatfan: i like u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Even with me being bedeviled by a figure of legend?
jcatfan: why would i hate u??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because of the strange relationship between me and Cooter Joe.
jcatfan: hell no i don’t hate u i really like you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But Cooter Joe will tear us apart like he always does.
jcatfan: you r very sexy lol
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh thank you so much but if you saw me naked you wouldn’t think that.
jcatfan: amber i promise u one thing cooter joe will never tear us apart no matter what
jcatfan: what is that supposed to mean bby me seeing u naked that i won’t hink that???
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You know why.
jcatfan: cause of joe
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Remember what I told you about what he does at night?
jcatfan: yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He has grown quite attached to my cooter.
jcatfan: what u mean cooter??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter is a slang term for a woman’s private parts.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: that’s why they call him Cooter Joe.
jcatfan: ok i got u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It is so gross.
jcatfan: whats gross?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter Joe turning my cooter into a time-share duplex!
jcatfan: u are very pretty i mean that and if we was together nothing not even Cooter Joe or whoever wouold tear us apart
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But he won’t leave!
jcatfan: what i am saying if u was here with me in my arms i promise u he will leave
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? He is a man of legend and despite his small stature he has a lot of fight in him!
jcatfan: just trust me i can put up a fight and he will leave u alone
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But how will you extricate him from my nethers?
jcatfan: a nether??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My girl parts
jcatfan: like i said i promise u i would find away so u could be with me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But your promises are not enough! How can you beat Paul Bunyan’s brother?
jcatfan: if u wanted too
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I do want to!
jcatfan: i will get rid of him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But Cooter Joe will come raging out of my vagina and break your arm, just like he broke Leland’s arm!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Maybe you’re not getting this, he is PAUL BUNYAN’S BROTHER.
jcatfan: he won’t do anything to me i promise u that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But he already hurt my last three boyfriends!
jcatfan: yeh but i am not ur b/f yet unless u want me to be he won’t hurt me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I do want you to be but you won’t want me with this dirty little man living in my vagina!
jcatfan: well i want u to be but he wiil never hurt me i mean that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He has the strength of a dozen men! And he put six padlocks on my vulva!
jcatfan: do u have any more pics of u????? just trust me i can break threw anything to be with somebody i really liked
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But he has the lease on the place!
jcatfan: well i will break the lease
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? Are you a lawyer?
jcatfan: and i will pay the consequences
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But my dad is the landlord of my genitals and he gave Cooter Joe title to the whole shebang!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you going to take my dad to court?
jcatfan: r u and ur dad close??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, he is my only living relative but he does a lot of terrible things
jcatfan: sorry if i asked this but has he ever mistreated u or been mean to u or make u do something that u didn’t want to do??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you consider letting a seven-inch-tall man live in my vagina mistreating me or being mean to me?
jcatfan: i was talking about ur dad unless ur dad is Cooter Joe
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, they go back a few years though, they were in the Army Reserves together.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But my dad is the one who let Cooter Joe move into my crotch.
jcatfan: ur dad is telling u the only person u can have sex with……..
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Nobody has sex with me! I am a virgin!
jcatfan: ok
jcatfan: sorry i asked
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why are you sorry? I want to have sex soooo bad but when I try to terrible things happen!
jcatfan: u could run away and be with me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But Cooter Joe is always with me!
jcatfan: i am telling you i will get rid of him just give me a chance
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? He has the strength of ten men, an iron-clad lease and a cunningly crafted miniature shotgun!
jcatfan: if i did get to have sex with you i will figure out away when the time comes
jcatfan: just give me a chance
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My last boyfriend, when he reached down between my legs Cooter Joe grabbed him and broke his arm!
jcatfan: to get rid of him and i promise u he will leave u alone
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? How can you possibly make him move out of my vagina?
jcatfan: i will
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Please tell me your plan.
jcatfan: i dunno know yet i will figure it out when we get together plz just trust in me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I do trust you but without a plan Cooter Joe can kill you faster than you can griddle up a flapjack!
jcatfan: well it is a risk i am willing to take
jcatfan: do u have any more pics??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Sorry, our scanner is broken
jcatfan: will u send me some more when u get the chance to
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of course! But Cooter Joe won’t like it, he’ll think i’m trying to sublet my cooter out from under him
jcatfan: how old was ur last b/f
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: 17, but he was strong!
jcatfan: am i to old for you??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter Joe is over 200 years old!
jcatfan: i am being serious when can u come down and visit???? i have got to c u in person and i will fix Cooter Joe i promise u that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How can I visit? I am only 14!
jcatfan: i dunno
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I can’t leave the house! Cooter Joe will call my dad on his tiny custom cell phone and he will stop me!
jcatfan: let him try to stop u
jcatfan: let ur dad try to stop u
jcatfan: i have never seen nothing as pretty as u are amber
jcatfan: i am being serious
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Thank you so much
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But they can stop me! I am just a little girl and my Dad is a 45 year old ex Army Reservist and Cooter Joe is a seven-inch tall man of American legend! I don’t stand a chance!
jcatfan: ok i dunno
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I can’t stand having this 200-year old man living inside me for the entire duration of a five year lease with option to renew!
jcatfan: what u being with me? or little joe?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Cooter Joe! I want to be with you! You are the nicest guy I have ever talked to online!
jcatfan: u say i am the nicest guy on line ??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes. You are listening to my problems and want to help me and are being so brave!
jcatfan: nothing scares me!!!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Not even the seven inch tall brother of Paul Bunyan who can crush a bull’s skull with his pinky finger?
jcatfan: i promise u nothing scares me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That’s great, but you are still going to need a plan to get Cooter Joe out of my snatch. You can’t just reach up in there and grab him.
jcatfan: listen to me amber i will get him out of you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Many have tried, all have failed.
jcatfan: yeh but u know what i won’t never fail
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How can you be so sure? Cooter Joe is a vicious creature about which legends are made.
jcatfan: i never fail
jcatfan: i always keep my promises i make
jcatfan: if i say that i will get him out then i will get him out
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are like a superhero.
jcatfan: why is that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because you are taking on all the odds to save me from being a condominium and crash pad for Cooter Joe and all of his tiny, evil friends!
jcatfan: yes i am and u know what??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What?
jcatfan: i always come out on top and awlays succeed
jcatfan: aalways
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Even against figures of legend?
jcatfan: always
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How many other figures of American mythic history have you triumphed against?
jcatfan: more then i can count
jcatfan: like i saisd i always get what i want
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You really think you can beat Cooter Joe and get him to relinquish the lease to my vagina?
jcatfan: yes i do
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What will you do with all the furniture?
jcatfan: furniture??
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, Cooter Joe’s furniture.
jcatfan: i will figure that out when i get him out of u
jcatfan: i am being serious i will get him out of u forever
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I know you are serious but some of this furniture is quite expensive!
jcatfan: once i get him out of u i will let u decide what to do with it
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How do you plan to lure him out of my vagina? He has a home entertainment center set up in my cervix!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He won’t come out without a fight, I’ll tell you that much!
jcatfan: i will get him and let u decide on the furniture
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you just going to reach up inside me and grab him?
jcatfan: whether u want me as ur trophy or whatever
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What?
jcatfan: just let me take care of u u don’t worry about me ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am not worried about you, right now I am worried about my insides!
jcatfan: ur insides will be fine trust me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But if he sees your hand coming at him through my uterus he will freak out and go buck wild!
jcatfan: if he does then he does just leave it to me and everything will be ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Have you ever removed a small man of legendary strength from a girl’s vagina before?
jcatfan: no i have not but i will get him out of ur vagina
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Will you use special tools?
jcatfan: don’t know yet but after all this is said and done u will be fine and so will ur vagina
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are so nice!
jcatfan: i try to be
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So now what?
jcatfan: i dunno
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I thought you were going to make everything all better!
jcatfan: i will and I am
jcatfan: i promise u that but i can’t do anything until i c u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I really don’t think you’re going to be able to just reach up inside me and grab him out, I think you’re going to have to lure him out instead
jcatfan: well i will do whatever it takes to get him out of u
jcatfan: i mean that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: We need to come up with a plan now, each day could be my last.
jcatfan: let me think on it for awhile but i am going to have to get off of here and leave and go run some places
jcatfan: as soon as i figure it out i will let u know
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: A lot of boys have said they could get Cooter Joe out of my cooter.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But none have done it.
jcatfan: i am not a boy i am a man and i will get him out of u
jcatfan: a man of word