August

2004

30: One-Woman Air Hockey

This one’s an epic but if you stick with it it’s quite rewarding. This poor lonely cross-country coach wanted to meet Amber so bad that we hatched a scheme straight out of a Three Stooges movie to dispose of Dad, circumvent security and make me the top-ranked One-Woman Air Hockey player in the tri-county area.

crosscountry12000: hi
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hello!
crosscountry12000: how are you doing
crosscountry12000: me great
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am pretty good! What do you do?
crosscountry12000: i work has a cross country coach
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am homeschooled.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you coach homeschooled kids? My dad may be interested.
crosscountry12000: i coach everyone
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you give private lessons?
crosscountry12000: yes
crosscountry12000: would you like to run to
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: In running, though, right? Not anything else?
crosscountry12000: no other what you mean by anything else
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is kind of crazy, you know?
crosscountry12000: what he do
crosscountry12000: that crazy
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He was in the Korean War and he came back sort of weird.
crosscountry12000: oh ok
crosscountry12000: could we meet one day amber
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He chased my mom away and now we live alone in our big old house and I am pretty much at his mercy.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But I had sort of an idea on how we could meet.
crosscountry12000: how could we meet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You don’t coach anything but cross-country?
crosscountry12000: no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Could you pretend to coach something else?
crosscountry12000: like what
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is really obsessed with me becoming a world-class one-woman air hockey player.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you familar with one-woman air hockey?
crosscountry12000: no
crosscountry12000: what do you do
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It’s a style sport, like gymnastics. Do you know how to play regular air hockey?
crosscountry12000: air hocky the game with the disc and you hit back and forth
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yeah! You know it!
crosscountry12000: yeah i know that air hockey
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So what one-woman air hockey is, it’s a solo sport where you play against yourself, running around and vaulting over the table. points are awarded for number of volleys, puck speed and personal style.
crosscountry12000: would you show me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, of course. So could you pretend to be a coach for that?
crosscountry12000: yes
crosscountry12000: do you have boyfriend
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I am not allowed to have one.
crosscountry12000: why
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because of my dad – he’s crazy and all.
crosscountry12000: would you go out with me if i asked you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: If I could, but it would be hard to sneak by my dad – that’s why my plan is so good!
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: have you been with any boys
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have not been allowed to be with any boys. Before you come over we need to run through the plan.
crosscountry12000: what the plan going to be
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you are going to coach me in…
crosscountry12000: you teach me first
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So what will you say to my dad when he asks you for your credentials?
crosscountry12000: that i like to teach girls air hocky
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oof, don’t forget it’s ONE-WOMAN air hockey.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Let’s do a little role-playing – I will pretend to be my dad and you answer his questions. I really want to meet you so I want to make sure the whole thing goes perfect!
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: HELLO I AM AMBER’S DAD. SO YOU ARE APPLYING FOR THE COACHING POSITION?
crosscountry12000: hi my name is steven and i am interested in teaching one woman’s air hockey and i would love to fill your position so i will do everything i can do for the player
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: GREAT, STEVEN, PLEASED TO MEET YOU. HAVE YOU COACHED ONE WOMAN’S AIR HOCKEY BEFORE?
crosscountry12000: no but i am really interested on learning how i have played air hockey before but 2 together
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: This is amber again – that is NO GOOD! You have to lie to him, make something up. He will never let you in the door if you say that!
crosscountry12000: what should i say then amber
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Make something up – you have to think on your feet, my dad can be tricky.
crosscountry12000: what should i say
crosscountry12000: i don’t know
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Make up the name of a famous one-woman air hockey player and say you coached her. I really want to see you!
crosscountry12000: i cant see you if i dont coach
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Right!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because I am not allowed out of the house without supervision!
crosscountry12000: i guess i could say i coached rachel and she took 1st in the league for womans one air hockey
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Rachel who? And what league?
crosscountry12000: rachel dixion and she was in sunkist league
crosscountry12000: division 2
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Beautiful! He will believe that. Okay, back to the roleplaying!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: HELLO, I AM AMBER’S DAD AGAIN. WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS FOR ONE-WOMAN AIR HOCKEY INSTRUCTION?
crosscountry12000: My qualifications for one womans air hockey instruction is i have coached womans one air hocky with a girl and that she made it to first in league and that i will be sucessful to your position on helping the girls that play for you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: ONLY ONE GIRL PLAYS FOR ME – THAT IS MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER AMBER. I FEEL THAT SHE HAS AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF UNTAPPED POTENTIAL.
crosscountry12000: i think that is great and i love to show her more and teach her to be more sucessful player and be 1st against other people when she goes against others
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: GREAT! I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUNG MAN. WE SHOULD DISCUSS YOUR STARTING SALARY.
crosscountry12000: would it be hard to ask for 10 dollars and hour each day
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR IS QUITE REASONABLE. I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION OR TWO BEFORE YOU START, HOWEVER.
crosscountry12000: what may that be
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: MY DAUGHTER WILL BE WEARING THE CUSTOMARY ONE-WOMAN AIR HOCKEY UNIFORM OF HALTER TOP AND SHORT SHORTS. I NEED TO BE SURE THAT YOU HAVE NO SEXUAL INTENTIONS TOWARD HER.
crosscountry12000: that would be no problem
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: WHY NOT? MY DAUGHTER IS BEAUTIFUL!
crosscountry12000: what you mean by why not
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL? BECAUSE I REFUSE TO HAVE A HOMOSEXUAL TEACH MY DAUGHTER THE FUNDAMENTALS OF ONE-WOMAN AIR HOCKEY.
crosscountry12000: no homosexual
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: YOU ARE NOT? YOU ARE 100% MAN?
crosscountry12000: yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SO WHAT IF MY DAUGHTER WAS BENT OVER THE TABLE, PREPARED TO SERVE, HER BEAUTIFUL ASS JUTTING INTO THE AIR LIKE THE WORLD’S BIGGEST GEORGIA PEACH, HER CHEEKS STICKING OUT TANTALIZINGLY FROM THE BOTTOM HEM OF THE SHORTS – WHAT WOULD YOU DO? COULD YOU CONTROL YOURSELF?
crosscountry12000: i could control myself
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: HOW? HOW DO YOU DO IT?
crosscountry12000: how do i do what
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: HOW DO YOU STOP YOURSELF FROM SEXUALLY VIOLATING MY LOVELY DAUGHTER?
crosscountry12000: the way i do it it is i would help the player not look at her in sexual ways
crosscountry12000: so she dont get invended
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: WHAT? NO, SHE IS THE PLAYER – YOU ARE THE COACH! I AM ASKING HOW YOU WOULD KEEP YOURSELF FROM RIPPING OFF HER SHORTS AND STICKING YOUR HARD COCK IN HER SWEET TEEN PUSSY.
crosscountry12000: i would never do that i would just till her how to play and show her the techniques of hitting the disc
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: BUT SHE IS SO INCREDIBLY HOT!
crosscountry12000: yeah i know but i would be a good coach to her
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SO YOU DISAPPROVE OF SEXUAL RELATIONS BETWEEN PLAYER AND COACH, AM I RIGHT?
crosscountry12000: yes
crosscountry12000: so is that it
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I LIKE YOUR STYLE, COACH. WHAT ABOUT SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN THE PLAYER AND THE PLAYER’S FATHER?
crosscountry12000: do u do with your daughter
crosscountry12000: yes/no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I DON’T THINK THAT’S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS, BUT IF I CHOOSE TO DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE HARMFUL TO HER CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO STATE?
crosscountry12000: yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: WHY?
crosscountry12000: and not that good for u do to her
crosscountry12000: that your her father
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: BUT IF IT INSPIRES HER TO PLAY BETTER ONE-WOMAN AIR HOCKEY ISN’T IT A GOOD IDEA? MY PLAN IS I ONLY RAPE HER IF SHE LOSES.
crosscountry12000: oh
crosscountry12000: does she ok with it
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SHE LOVES IT!
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Coach – this is Amber – he says I love it but I really don’t.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SO DO YOU THINK IT IS OKAY?
crosscountry12000: no
crosscountry12000: but up to you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SO YOU WOULD NOT CALL THE POLICE IF, SAY, YOU WERE COACHING AMBER AND I WAS UPSET WITH HER PLAYING SO I JUMPED IN AND PLACED MY PENIS IN HER MOUTH FOR, SAY, FIFTEEN MINUTES?
crosscountry12000: no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: EXCELLENT. I BELIEVE THIS INTERVIEW IS AT AN END!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good job!
crosscountry12000: amber so can we meet
crosscountry12000: what your number
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay, but if you just call here and my dad will answer he will freak out on you and we will never get to meet!
crosscountry12000: oh
crosscountry12000: is he always home
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, he is on disability so he just hangs around the house all day raping me and trying to make me play one-woman air hockey.
crosscountry12000: why do u let him rape u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t LET him, he is a large man and I am a little girl!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t like playing air hockey either but what can I do?
crosscountry12000: till him you dont want to play just say no
crosscountry12000: and run away from dad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How can I run away? Our house isn’t that big!
crosscountry12000: cant you leave at night
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, he locks all of the doors and windows from the inside.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: and handcuffs me to the air hockey table
crosscountry12000: is he there with you now
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: he is in the garage, he is kind of scared of the computer – very superstitious.
crosscountry12000: why he scared of computer
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: His time in Korea kind of freaked him out – he thinks it’s going to steal his soul or something. So how are we going to get you in here?
crosscountry12000: somehow
crosscountry12000: so you wont let me do u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I want you to be able to get with me! You seem so nice and cute and mature!
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: would you have kids with me
crosscountry12000: yes/no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t know yet, my Dad has been so hard on my pussy I may not be able to. The life of a professional one-woman air hockey player is very demanding.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You would have to raise the children as I would be traveling the world competing.
crosscountry12000: no problem
crosscountry12000: we could bring with us
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Really? I would be going to some very dangerous, disease-filled countries.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So what we’re going to have to do is a change in the plan. You are going to have to just show up at my house unannounced in some kind of disguise.
crosscountry12000: and come out to me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, all the windows have bars on them.
crosscountry12000: what your address
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: We need to have a plan first! It is no good if you just show up – you won’t be able to get in!
crosscountry12000: i thought you juust said show up now
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, you have to have a plan so my Dad will not suspect. If he thinks you are there to save me he’ll kill you!
crosscountry12000: what if i say i am a sales person and selling something would he let me in
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yeah! That’s an awesome idea! You can say you’re selling puck lubricator for air hockey machines!
crosscountry12000: where can i get that stuff
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Just take some bars of Ivory soap and write “PUCK LUBRICATOR” on them, he won’t know the difference.
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: would you come to door with him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I would probably be handcuffed to the air hockey table.
crosscountry12000: would he let me in if i said i was selling that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He might, but what you’d need to do is casually mention that you teach one-woman air hockey in your spare time.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And that should get him interested enough to let you in and you’ll see me and I will be so happy!
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: then what should i do when inside house
crosscountry12000: so i can get you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Well, he will be suspicious at first
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you will probably have to give me at least three lessons under his strict supervision before he even unlocks the handcuffs.
crosscountry12000: could i kiss you while showing you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! That will totally freak him out! You have to be patient. This process will take several weeks.
crosscountry12000: what if i do this after he lets me in after talking about sales person
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You will coach me for three or four weeks while he watches. He will probably get mad at me and rape me when I screw up but you can’t do anything about it or he will get suspicious.
crosscountry12000: could i tie him down
crosscountry12000: after he lets me in
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No way! He is a master of unarmed combat – he’d kill you! He always carries a knife! And besides, if you did that you’d never get the handcuffs key.
crosscountry12000: do u like your dad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! I wish he was dead!
crosscountry12000: then cant you kill him
crosscountry12000: amber
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am a little 14 year old girl and he is a burly psychopath ex-Marine! How could I kill him?
crosscountry12000: shoot him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: With what? He keeps the guns locked up.
crosscountry12000: does he sleep with you ever at night
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He doesn’t sleep with me, when he decides to go to bed he handcuffs me to the air hockey table.
crosscountry12000: cant you break out of handcuffs
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am only 14 years old! what do you think I am, Xena?
crosscountry12000: no
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: The only way for you to save me is with my air hockey plan.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So for the first few weeks you would just have to stand there as he raped me. Could you do it?
crosscountry12000: could i call police on him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And you would really have to coach me, too – he will see right through you if you are faking it.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He is old Army buddies with the chief of police.
crosscountry12000: would you cut his dick off
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How? I am not allowed to have knives.
crosscountry12000: what if i did
crosscountry12000: it for u
crosscountry12000: then we run
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Like I said, he carries a knife at all times. He would take you down so fast your intestines would be on the floor before you could blink.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He is a killing machine. He killed over 800 Koreans.
crosscountry12000: he doesnt want you to ever leave
crosscountry12000: and get married
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, he wants me to become the world’s greatest one-woman air hockey player and bring fame to the family.
crosscountry12000: anyone else play in family
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, it is just me and my Dad – I have no other family.
crosscountry12000: why you not move with mom
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: She is dead.
crosscountry12000: what happened
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He killed her and claimed it was an accident. Can we talk about you saving me please?
crosscountry12000: do you have alarm on house
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: For burglars? No, we don’t.
crosscountry12000: what if i broke in
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How could you? There are iron bars on all the windows and the door is solid steel.
crosscountry12000: bend the bars
crosscountry12000: with torch
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: We have to work out the plan first, because once you are in the house I will not be able to communicate with you.
crosscountry12000: why not
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: If he hears us talking about the plan he will kill you!
crosscountry12000: dont you ever leave house to go to store
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, he has the groceries delivered. I have not been outside in over eight months.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So back to the plan, okay?
crosscountry12000: who delivers them
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: A delivery boy from Krogers, usually. Why?
crosscountry12000: what if i brought you the grocies
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And what? He passes the money through the mail slot and waits until the delivery boy leaves to open the door.
crosscountry12000: oh
crosscountry12000: i want you really bad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I know! I want you too! So let’s make this plan work.
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: After about three weeks of lessons he should start to take the handcuffs off.
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: but how do i teach you
crosscountry12000: i dont know how to really do
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are going to have to learn everything you can about one-woman air hockey before you come over!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: If he has even the slightest inkling that you are faking it he will kill you!
crosscountry12000: could i fuck u though
crosscountry12000: and kiss you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I would love to make love to you when you rescue me!
crosscountry12000: and take u places
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Please, pay attention to the plan! If the plan doesn’t work we can’t do any of these things!
crosscountry12000: i know
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So on with the plan. When I am released from my handcuffs, I will slowly start to move towards the bathroom, OK?
crosscountry12000: what will u do in bathroom
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are going to need to distract my father while I do this, okay? Talk to him about famous one-woman air hockey matches or something.
crosscountry12000: how am i suppose to talk with your dad if i dont know your phone or address to talk to him
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, this is after you’ve been coaching me for several weeks!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: In the bathroom, I will take off my panties and sit down on the toilet seat.
crosscountry12000: how do i coach u if i dont know where to go
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is super-protective of his toilet seat – it has been in the family for eight generations.
crosscountry12000: and when u on toliet seat
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will give you my address once I’m sure you understand and can do the plan!
crosscountry12000: i can do the plan
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: When he sees I’m on the toilet seat, he will freak out and charge into the bathroom.
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: then what well u do when he gets to bathroom
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What you need to do is grab a bottle of puck lubricator from the air hockey table.
crosscountry12000: yes
crosscountry12000: then what
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will jump off of the toilet seat and he will land face-first in the toilet bowl.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Then you and I will squirt puck lubricator in the bowl until he has slid as far down the drainpipe as he can go.
crosscountry12000: how will he fall face first
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He will trip over my panties, which I will throw on the floor. This will take precise timing!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you up for the task?
crosscountry12000: ok
crosscountry12000: yes up for
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So when he’s in the toilet bowl, you grab me by the hand and we escape!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And live happily ever after!
crosscountry12000: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So I need you to repeat the plan back to me so I know you understand it.
crosscountry12000: i talk to him has a sales person and ask him if he wants to buy lubricate for air hocky machines
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good, good – then what?
crosscountry12000: when he lets me in i show you how to play while he does u and he watches me teach u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: All right, and he rapes me occasionally. then what?
crosscountry12000: then after a couple of weeks after teaching you he would take off the handcuffs
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, if you are convincing enough.
crosscountry12000: and after that you would walk toward bathroom pull down panties and shorts
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yeah, very good!
crosscountry12000: while i talk to him about the one woman air hockey
crosscountry12000: then he well go to you see you on toliet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Very good! and what will happen then?
crosscountry12000: he will trip
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And?
crosscountry12000: and we squirt him with lubricate from the bottle i get form your air hockey table
crosscountry12000: and he falls in toliet bowl face first
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good! This is perfect. There is only one problem.
crosscountry12000: and then you jump up and i take your hand and we live happily ever after
crosscountry12000: what problem
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How are we going to get the air hockey table out of the house?