February

2000

2: Hindu Tidbits

I was always very amazed at how many of Amber’s potential suitors came from out of the country; so many Pakistanis and Hindus and Greeks and other assorted foreigners, all of whom were ripe picking for comedy due to their amusing attempts at English and their tenuous grasp on Western mating rituals. Sarma was one of Amber’s first Indian suitors, he told her that he made her picture the background wallpaper on his computer and she repaid that gesture with mockery, derision and multiple offers to cut off her leg and mail it to India. What follows are some excerpts from their conversation, which stretched over several days as I was still getting the hang of Amber.

sarma_kvb_india: hey once again what is this hindu?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It is my insulting nickname for you.
sarma_kvb_india: Whatever it may be “I luv U”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wow!
sarma_kvb_india: I just luv u “u r excited i think
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That’s so sweet, hinduretarded!
sarma_kvb_india: ummmmmmm……upchhhhhhhh
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What? Is that hindu too?
sarma_kvb_india: Id u recognise the sound
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No?
sarma_kvb_india: No way.I just want to kiss u online(ummmmmmmmm…..);
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How?
sarma_kvb_india: U say just like this “ummmmmmmm……”. can`t u?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: When you kiss, you go “upchhhh”?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Weird!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay, let me try
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: “ummmmmm hgualuagualagha”
sarma_kvb_india: Ok .No problem.” u can make the sound like “upchhhh”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Did it work?
sarma_kvb_india: thanq
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I dont get it? Did you put your tongue in my mouth?

sarma_kvb_india: But i don`t smoke, drink…..but i want such a girl like u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: A girl who drinks? I dont smoke, only pot and crack.
sarma_kvb_india: no problem.if she is like u
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What if she was ugly?
sarma_kvb_india: i told if she is like u?Do u think u r ugly?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
sarma_kvb_india: in that case .ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What if she had only one leg?
sarma_kvb_india: I am able to see two legs in my wallpaper
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What if i cut one off?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would i still be ugly?
sarma_kvb_india: Pl don`t i cannot even think
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why not?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I’m cutting right now for you!
sarma_kvb_india: No No No …..pl stop .I cannot
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Ouch! It hurts!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is your address – I will mail you my leg!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Ouch!
sarma_kvb_india: Same sound from me ouch… haaaaahhh…i want ur heart not ur leg?sarma_kvb@hotmail.com.please mail me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I need to mail you the leg! Like by the mailman! Not email!
sarma_kvb_india: i will remove ur photo which is set as wallpaper.becoz u r looking as if u want me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, you can still look at me!
sarma_kvb_india: in that photo
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I’ll send you my leg and you can have it in your bed!
sarma_kvb_india: hey!why shud i keep in my bed
sarma_kvb_india: that tooo leg
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you can think of me while you hold my leg!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would you like that?
sarma_kvb_india: what u want from me so that u can think of me always?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Your leg! We can trade!
sarma_kvb_india: i want to send something else?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Arm?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Even a finger would be kool!
sarma_kvb_india: i am not Arnold to send my arm?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Who is Arnold?
sarma_kvb_india: hollywood star?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I dont know him!
sarma_kvb_india: no problem.can u educate me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: About what? Luge?
sarma_kvb_india: can u give options what all parts of urs can ?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I dont understand?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Like my body parts?
sarma_kvb_india: u gave me one option right.i.e. leg?what else u can give for me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That’s all I’m willing to send through the mail…
sarma_kvb_india: yeah

sarma_kvb_india: u can tell me know
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Tell you what? I am still cutting my leg off for you to sleep with!
sarma_kvb_india: what i will do with ur leg?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Sleep with it in your bed and think about me!
sarma_kvb_india: i feel i can do but i want something else?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Like what? Tell me!
sarma_kvb_india: back to pevillian?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is pevillian?
sarma_kvb_india: u r repeating the same thing?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t understand, what do you want to talk about?
sarma_kvb_india: can u seducate me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is seducate? I’ll try, if you tell me what it is
sarma_kvb_india: u learnt so many things in school along with history … …?
sarma_kvb_india: recollecting?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Luge, sex, math?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Science?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Luge?
sarma_kvb_india: u came on to the track?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I didn’t run track!
sarma_kvb_india: the middle one i am asking about?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Science?
sarma_kvb_india: In the first middle
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Luge?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you want to hear more about luge?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My leg hurts!
sarma_kvb_india: uge, sex, math?what is there in the middle
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh, sex!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Where should i send this leg?
sarma_kvb_india: yes yes yes
sarma_kvb_india: what happened?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What do u mean?
sarma_kvb_india: oh,Sex!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh! I was busy with my leg.
sarma_kvb_india: why did u keep ur legs so closely in photo?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because I am ashamed of something.
sarma_kvb_india: u want to hide something?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes
sarma_kvb_india: what is that?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My penis
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: LOL! Kidding!
sarma_kvb_india: u hide that… No problem.Take mine.hold it firmly otherwise it may swing like anything….
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What? I don’t understand!
sarma_kvb_india: u can try it.hold it?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hold what? My leg?
sarma_kvb_india: yes .Hold my cockbetween ur legs .
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I only have ONE leg now!
sarma_kvb_india: keep it in ur ass.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I dont think my leg will fit in my ass!
sarma_kvb_india: i don`t mean ur leg.I meant about cock
sarma_kvb_india: will it fit ?try…try..
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My ass is for pooping! What are you talking about?
sarma_kvb_india: wait for sometime.let my cock go inside?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Go inside where?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My house?
sarma_kvb_india: pussy
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh! Why didnt you just say so!
sarma_kvb_india: is ur ass that big?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I dont understand – are you calling me fat?
sarma_kvb_india: no ….. no … no ….
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What are you trying to say?
sarma_kvb_india: lets stop.We will speak something constructive?shall we?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are very nice, but a little confusing.
sarma_kvb_india: me….I don`t think so.u took it wrongly.But u r so nice to talk and ofcorse talkative
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But you wanted to talk about sex.
sarma_kvb_india: u started i think?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! I was cutting off my leg for you as a present and then you started talking about your cock!
sarma_kvb_india: But i was asking ur heart in the beginning.u made me to talk like that
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My heart? u said nothing about my heart all you wanted was to put your cock in my ass! Rude!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You wanted me to seducate you and that’s not even a real word!
sarma_kvb_india: Hey u hv taken it into heart Don`t?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I just dont understand what you want! Do you want to cyber or what?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Most guys just say “hey amber i want to fuck u” and then we go!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But you did all this asking about my family background!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Sarma_kvb_india, are you too ashamed to talk to me anymore?
sarma_kvb_india: Well it my wish to see u always cheerful…mistakes do happen…but it is always good forgiveand think constructively.Ther is nothing we gain making others repent for all thru the life. I put it down in words what i feel

sarma_kvb_india: hi
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Have you decided how I should ship my leg to you yet?
sarma_kvb_india: through mail?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That sounds good, it is heavy though, like 20 pounds
sarma_kvb_india: only 20….
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes I only weigh 100 pounds. I am skinny!
sarma_kvb_india: My weight is 56 Kgs.U can convert into pounds
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I can?
sarma_kvb_india: Please tell me how much weight i am in pounds?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I’m not good at math.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Let me ask my dad… just a second!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You weigh 123 pounds
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I weigh 45 kgs!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Ha ha!
sarma_kvb_india: can u give me the equation?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I had my Dad do it I’m not good at math
sarma_kvb_india: what is ur dad?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My father!
sarma_kvb_india: yes?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Dad means father, hinduretarded!
sarma_kvb_india: yes yes
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You big goofball!
sarma_kvb_india: what does it mean “goofball?”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: A silly person.
sarma_kvb_india: really?how u can say?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What do you mean? I just move my mouth and words come out.
sarma_kvb_india: i too can move my mouth?shall i?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Go ahead!
sarma_kvb_india: nee yenkamma?Gunta…
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What does that mean?
sarma_kvb_india: i don`t know ..just i moved my mouth.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No those were hindu words! Weren’t they?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Were they dirty?
sarma_kvb_india: No , not at all.How i say dirty words infront of u.that too regarding u?u should not expect from me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t know, you are some kind of enlightened mystery.
sarma_kvb_india: I luv u verymuch.In that case do u expect this?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What? Really! You love me?
sarma_kvb_india: how many times i say this?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Just once, so far
sarma_kvb_india: hey u hv very little memory power?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, I am kind of stupid
sarma_kvb_india: it is aparent…once again u need not say?It hurts me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No! No! I dont want to hurt you, I just want to send you my severed leg!
sarma_kvb_india: brb…..