August

2000

14: Gary Coleman Chicken Nugget

Gary Coleman used to write an advice column for UGO, my former employer. I met him at the office Christmas party and he tried to hit on my date. All this and more was running through my mind as Amber taught the American language of love to this very horny young Algerian. God, I hope he used his new vocabulary with other girls.

kecibim: HI
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Hey, kecibum!
kecibim: How are you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am a toilet of love.
kecibim: Good
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you?
kecibim: yes I’m all of love
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: All the toilets in the world?
kecibim: Yep
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are very brave.
kecibim: Thankx, and you are very pretty girl
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is your life like?
kecibim: Like what for exampel
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How is your love life in Algeria?
kecibim: Like toilet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That’s too bad. Why?
kecibim: can I add you to my friends list princess
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of course, Algerian Toilet Lover!
kecibim: Where are you from
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: California, America, USA
kecibim: Good
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is your toilet of love like?
kecibim: OH
kecibim: very large
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you use it often?
kecibim: no stop
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: stop what?
kecibim: for all time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Stop the toilet?
kecibim: No
kecibim: you are lucky it is my dream to live in USA, with a nice girl like you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Would you live inside my body?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Inside my organs?
kecibim: if you would like
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I would like! Will you shrink yourself down?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you become small?
kecibim: yes but I have a large toilet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your toilet circumcised?
kecibim: yep, and yours
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don’t have a toilet, I am a girl!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
kecibim: I’m surprised when i saw your photo on the screen
kecibim: you are lovely
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Thank you! Can I see a photo of you?
kecibim: yea, and my toilet also
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of course!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Please!
kecibim: Why please
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Because I want to see you!
kecibim: Go
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Go where?
kecibim: to see me , good or bad
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I want to see a picture!
kecibim: are you with me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am with you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: In the toilet!
kecibim: If you like I lend you my toilet for a long time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Okay! Where will you put your toilet?
kecibim: in your sawa
kecibim: you know sawa?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, what is the English?
kecibim: Zab = toilet, Sawa = your toilet
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Nice! Where is your Zab?
kecibim: in my body
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Where will you put your toilet when we meet?
kecibim: in youre sawa , can I add you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What will you do to my sawa!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: The english word for “sawa” is “Chicken Nugget”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So you will put your toilet in my Chicken Nugget
kecibim: what is sawa in USA
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Chicken Nugget
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
kecibim: and I keep my zab in you Chicken Nugget a long time
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful! Say it in English!
kecibim: and zab in USA
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Gary Coleman is the USA word for zab!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Now say it again! You are very good!
kecibim: you can say zab, balala , in france queu
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: But in USA it is “Gary Coleman”
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Say it!
kecibim: Gary Coleman
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Say what you want to do to me!
kecibim: I put my zab in your sawa
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Say it the American way!
kecibim: I put my Gary Coleman in your Chicken Nugget
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: It feels so good!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You are a wonderful toilet!
kecibim: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH So Good
kecibim: Fantastic
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you making apes?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Is your Gary Coleman feeling good?
kecibim: what itdoes apes mean
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: The white stuff that comes from Gary Coleman.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
kecibim: repeat please
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: When Gary Coleman gets excited when you put it in a Chicken Nugget, white liquid comes out
kecibim: it is ture
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: That is called “making apes”
kecibim: you will be melted when you see my zab
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Melted?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And please, call it by the USA name so I understand.
kecibim: like the snow melts when this sun rises
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So your Gary Coleman is very hot and bright?
kecibim: okye i’ll
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good.
kecibim: you will be melted when you see my Gary Coleman ( zab , toilet )
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I want to see your toilet!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: You will be melted when you are crushed by my Chicken Nugget into another dimension.
kecibim: see it in Algeria word
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No, I only speak the USA way, because Algerian is a language of homosexuals.
kecibim: okey baby
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you want to see my zab?
kecibim: no you got sawa
kecibim: I got zab
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have both Gary Coleman and Chicken Nugget.
kecibim: aou
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are you making apes?
kecibim: zab = Gary Coleman sawa = Chicken Nugget
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Very good!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Do you understand?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My Chicken Nugget is wet with Bar-B-Q sauce.
kecibim: yes, come in algeria and i give my zab
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Your what?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Say it right!
kecibim: i put my zab in your sawa
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: SAY IT THE RIGHT WAY.
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Come on, make me happy!
kecibim: as I said, I invite you to come in algeria and give you more love
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What will you give me if I come?
kecibim: All what you need as love (sex)
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes! Now use the USA words I taught you! They make me sexy!
kecibim: yes , I got a very large zab
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: A very large WHAT? Say it right!
kecibim: yes , I got a very large Gary Coleman
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Good! What do you want to do with it?
kecibim: it is for you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Where will it go?
kecibim: and your sawa = Chicken Nugget for me , thats ok
kecibim: I do not understand
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes! My Chicken Nugget is bleeding Bar-B-Q sauce for you!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: So let’s put them together!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I want to get sauce all over Gary Coleman!
kecibim: I cant you are far away
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I will come to Algeria!
kecibim: Good, if you like i give you my adress
kecibim: I’m sure
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: How will I get there? I will have to sell my Chicken Nugget to pay for the trip!
kecibim: you know why my Gary Coleman it is very large
kecibim: I send you some money
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful!
kecibim: you know why
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Why?
kecibim: because i eat dates, you know dates
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes, I know them! How much money will you send me?
kecibim: when i send you money you come back to me
kecibim: and I put ma zab in you’r sawa
kecibim: are you here my sawa
kecibim: I’m here waiting for you
kecibim: please, talk with me
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Sorry!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I was away
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Stop saying Zab and Sawa! Say the USA words only.
kecibim: my zab cant risiste without you
kecibim: ok
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: USE THE USA WORDS! No more “Zab.”
kecibim: my Gary Coleman cant risiste without you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Wonderful! My Chicken Nugget longs for your Gary Coleman!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Tell me about Algeria!
kecibim: Algeria very good country and very large
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Are there many Gary Colemans there?
kecibim: sorry i cant tell you know about Algeria but i promise in another time
kecibim: yes there is but I’m the largest
kecibim: are you here my dream
kecibim: Oh my zab cray
kecibim: a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r are you here
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Yes!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is ZAB CRAY in USA?
kecibim: OH
kecibim: where are you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I was touching my chicken nugget!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is cray?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: What is cray?
kecibim: sorry cry or weep
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Oh! Your gary coleman weeps?
kecibim: yes for you
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Does it weep apes?
kecibim: yes when you been away