When I left my job at Zap Internet at the beginning of this month after a year and a half of dutiful service, I wasn't expecting any big fuss to be made about my departure. I certainly didn't expect a swishy Jewish guy in a gorilla suit to come in and deliver a truly epic Bildungsroman of a singing telegram. Here are the lyrics. Imagine them sung one couplet at a time, in an operatic tenor, with appropriate vowel-stretching and glissandi, by a gorilla holding a clipboard, and you may begin to understand the terror I felt.

THOR, IT'S JUST FOR YOU I SING
THESE BALLOONS FOR YOU I BRING
DON'T WORRY THERE IS NO CHANCE
I DON'T STRIP OR DO A BELLY DANCE

PICTURE THIS, ALONE I WAS
GOT THIS CALL WENT BANANAS
THE REASON WHY WE MAKE THIS FUSS
IS BECAUSE I HEARD YOU'RE LEAVING US

ABOUT YOU I'VE GOT QUITE A LIST
ZAP INTERNET RECEPTIONIST
WITHOUT YOU HERE WE'LL HAVE TO THINK
WHO WILL WASH THE DISHES IN THE SINK?

I COULDN'T LET THIS MOMENT PASS
WITHOUT MENTION OF YOUR BIG, FAT ASS
ON THE 'NET YOU'RE SO CLEVER
PASS YOURSELF OFF AS "AMBER-4-EVER" !!

A FAN OF "TENTACLE" I'VE HEARD
AND "B-MOVIES" WITH CLINT HOWARD
YOU LOVE PRO-WRESTLING, WE FIND
"EL SANTO", "PSYCHOSIS", AND "MANKIND" !

YOU HAVE A FONDNESS, WE ADMIT
FOR MONKEYS, ROBOTS AND PIRATES
THERE ARE NO IFS, ANDS OR BUTS
FATTIES AND FANBOYS REALLY DRIVE YOU NUTS!

"K.THOR" WE CANNOT DENY
ONCE WAS KIDNAPPED BY SOME GUY
YOUR MOM'S CAR HE HOPED YOU WOULD LEND
SO HE COULD DRIVE AROUND WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!

YOU GOT DRUNK AT ROSE'S BIRTHDAY
THEN THREW UP ON THE SUBWAY
IN YOUR TIN FOIL SUIT YOU'LL BASK
TO FIGHT PEOPLE IN YOUR SILVER WRESTLING MASK

I HOPE FOND MEMORIES REMAIN
CAN'T WAIT TO TELL TARZAN AND JANE
WE HOPE YOUR NEW JOB IS A BEAUT
EDIT COMICS IN YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT

"ASS PANTS", TIME FOR ME TO GO
BUT FIRST ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW
THE WORD AND CHARGED GANG SEND THEIR LOVE
BEST OF LUCK YOU'RE WHOM THEY'RE THINKING OF